I noticed how scared I was at the group meeting this morning. I just wasn't falling for my usual defense tactics - steered clear of believing any of my instant judgments in an effort to make some space in that little head of mine to actually observe the situation as it was. And it was scary - myriad power struggles, large personalities, passive aggressive strikes and streams of nonsense to which I had to actively remind myself to smile or else be marked as an enemy. What in the world possessed me to think there would be space for me here? Dunno. Tried to get an ID card, but I hadn't paid a bill. Tried to pay a bill but I hadn't registered for a class. Tried to prove that I had registered online, but the Professor hadn't yet approved me, so there was nothing to prove.
For my existence on campus to be validated, I had to go to the prof's office, get some kind of slip that I would then bring to the registrar, she would enter it into the computer and give me a slip to give to the lady who takes my money, and theoretically she would open the gate to the lady who takes my picture and gives me an ID card. Had some kind of vision of spending my day at the library, immersed in the work of making my life go somewhere interesting, but without an ID card the task would be a little bit harder. So I walked down the hall to the cafeteria. In truth I was starving. From the seating area the cafeteria looked like it might have potential, but the reality was much simpler: same old shit. Shitty cold cuts on shitty bread, wilted salad bar mainly out of a can, greasy pasta with some kind of meat product... it all made the pizza look appealing. But I didn't dare. I packed a little bit of lettuce, tuna salad and tasteless beets into a small plastic box and headed for the grass.
A classmate was there, one that might be directing me this term. Well that was a bit of good fortune, a chance to investigate further. But we only got so far before she was interrupted by a very important phone conversation and though I thought to wait patiently I couldn't bear it any longer I had to go. Not to the professor's office, no, back home.
So an extra bike ride got thrown into my day, so what. No reason to let that tuna fish salad sit in my belly too long anyway.
All of a sudden I remember my first day of kindergarten. I remember how terrified I was, how I cried and didn't want to let go of my mother and I was not one to cling to my mother. All of a sudden I can see that I am still the same Ophra I was then, and maybe not quite the Ophra I like to believe I am. So what if it's taken me almost 32 years to get to know this side of myself: vulnerable, scared of people, threatened to no end by the prospect of needing to belong and be liked? So what because now I can see it and what a great time to see and bask in this little light now that I have tactics galore to deal with the fear and enough hindsight to suppose with a high likelihood that things will turn out just fine. Frequent reminders may be necessary.
I am not throwing all my pennies in this school basket. If it takes me nowhere or even sends me over the edge I'll do one of my famous flips and find some new ground to tread. Seems I've pressed that red PRESSURE button inside me and all brain functions are crowding at the starting line arguing about how to win the race and if it's even feasible. Deep breath. No rush, no race and if you don't enjoy it save your money and get out...
Now for some real food. Lorenzo is back, I've made something simple and tasty...
