Existential Crisis Part 2:

Went to the rock climbing gym with Lorenzo this morning and immediately began dogging myself. My imminent defeat came quickly: a little bit of stretching, a few bouldering routes attempted mostly unsuccessfully, and a serious hit to the left knee cap and there I was on the floor, crying. Bad etiquette in a climbing gym, I'm sure, but no use trying to stop the tears. Lorenzo was wonderful, patient and loving he insisted on kissing the boo boo even as I turned him away. He'd already spent a good few minutes massaging my aching forearm, shoulder and wrist, so why should I refuse him the knee? You must leave, cries my body. You are defeating yourself cries my brain. Maybe you will regret leaving? No chance that staying will do me much good: something is on my mind and in my body and it won't let go.

Lorenzo refuses to leave me alone, even as I push him away for the umpteenth time. I know I am acting like an idiot, having declared myself a failure and then set out to prove it to myself by goading my lover into rejecting me. Thank the god in him he is so much wiser. I need to talk, but the gym is no place, so I drag him outside into the cold air for a few minutes. Mainly I proclaim my hatred of rock climbing, or the rock climbing gym, but simultaneously I am managing to calm myself down. We go back inside and Lorenzo offers to come get a tea with me. This is too much, I know. He's come here to rock climb and there is no reason that my drama should stop him. What in the world is going on, why can't I just let myself go in peace? What is so hard about accepting that my body is tired and aching and that my energy is not answering the call to climb plastic walls?

I put my shoes on and insist that he stay. He is glad to, I know. And I experience a moment of clarity in which I confess both to him and to myself that the NACL ordeal is eating away at me. Every time I dip into that bag of shit I become inexplicably nervous, unable to receive Lorenzo's touch or energy, defensive and so easily irritable. I must write that letter that has been on my mind since I spoke to Tannis on Sunday. I must find a way to get over this episode once and for all.